stoplights.

my heart gets lighter
when you smile at me

and the city skyline glows a bit brighter
when our voices blare out onto the highway

and you squeeze my hand a little tighter
when i turn and look over at you

and everything else feels right 
when you step on the brakes 
just before a stoplight.


(RL)

when.

when was it?

the first time i told my mom i was too mature to play with dolls

and stopped playing barbies with my sister?

when was it?

the first time my friends and i stopped playing hopscotch

and began sitting around talking about boys at lunch?

when was it?

the first time my friends excluded me for not looking "cool enough,"

and i started caring about the way i looked?

when was it?

the first time my mom asked me to play with my brother

and i didn't remember how?

when was it?

the last time i left a part of my childhood behind me

without even realizing it?

when did i start growing up so fast
and when will it stop?


(RL)

a little bird.

i was a little bird
who flapped my wings
and yearned to fly

i was a little bird
who was afraid of falling
and afraid to die


little birds are meant to fly
so why can i not?
no matter how much time passes
no matter how many days go by
everyone else is soaring
so why can't i?


i am a little bird
who cut off my wings
and is afraid to fly

i am a little bird
who can't stop falling
and yearns to die


(RL)

Day 56 - 66

HAH. I FINISH THIS DIARY THING. I DID IT. I SUCCESSFULLY MADE ONE ENTRY FOR EVERY DAY (kinda... but compiled them when necessary) Honestly I was planning on documenting the whole week but didn't feel like documenting my trip so I procrastinated and here we are haha!! But hey, I did end up finishing this project IN YOUR FACES THOSE WHO DOUBTED ME (if there are any that is LOL i bet most of y'all who reads my posts don't even care)

Soo this past week has been pretty mundane... normal things happened... played TL in the mornings.. ALSO I made Kisumi my new husbands (by giving Sousuke plastic surgery & a name change) cuz Rin dating my son still bothers me so I changed my son to Sousuke which is also pretty weird cuz if you think about it... he's still biologically my son... who is now my ex husband.. who is dating my friend.. who was once dating his current partner's son.. who is now nonexistent?? yeah its pretty messed up but WHATEVER. I can go on with shipping them now like this. I ship Kisumi with myself heheheh. This is also weird since Kisumi & Sousuke are childhood friends but now one of them is the other's son.... oh welllls.

There was also this one shopping/grocery trip where I once again dressed like a hobo but bumped into some guy that goes to my school who I once though was hella fine but then I caught him staring at me weirdly (was it b/c I looked like a hobo or b/c he recognized me?? WHO KNOWS.) and then I started staring at him weirdly & then my mom went to the same aisle he was in & he walked away. Then he went to where I was & I walked away & it was just this weird ass cycle of walking away and awkward eye contact??? i dont even know.

Friends came over to watch the new ep of Free!ES after not coming for one week b/c I was on vacation but yeah it was like always. Ate a crapload of chips from TNT (I still like the okonomiyaki flavoured one & the garlic bread LIKE WOw how do people make these??/ I also wonder if they have takoyaki & curry flavour or something. OMG omg but burger flavoured chips how awesome would that be. POUTINE CHIPS oh my god... ONION ring chips??? LASAGNA FLAVOUR CHIPS. TACO CHIPS??? susHI CHIPS FFFF TEMPURA chips omfgg im like food horny rn wtf. Somebody seriously needs to invent these like wow take all my money. I'd do it myself but I have no idea where to start even.
OK. Back to EP9 of free. IT WAS SO SAD. They added some fanservicey shower scenes & a whole bunch of Momo scenes to ease the pain but it was no good. The ending ruined me. (I still can't get over that elevator scene though I've seen so many parodies already. It's amazing.) I'm fine with Haru cuz I know his problem will ease up soon but WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO SOUSUKE THOUGH?? His shoulder's not going to magically heal?? He's either going to have to be substituted by someone or the team forfeits completely before, OR he swims the relay & right smack in the middle of it he stops in utter agony & his team has to find out the hard way. Honestly I feel so bad for him (I know he's fictional, but I STILL FEEL BAD OK DON'T JUDGE ME.) b/c he came back to swim with Rin & he never even got to swim with Rin NOT EVER wtf this is so freaking tragic. Anyways.. one of my friends decided to do the ALS ice bucket in my backyard & brought a bucket & ice to do it with LOL. I ofc got to pour the water over her hehehe I'm seriously so mean..
Afterwards we watched Tokyo Ghoul & one of my friends was sobbing at the end like that ep was THAT sad. I couldn't even cry if I tried though.. I even read this post about how tears can cure acne & blemishes & I was like HA that'd be nice.. if I could cry..  It's pretty sad actually... I've hardened... (thats what she said). I can't even cry wtf is this. Maybe my acne will get so bad that it'll actually make me cry LOL (I seriously hope not)
Started to watch a show called the Irregular at Magic High or something with my friends & the main guy is hot but the INCESTY vibes oh god.. I can't... Watched 3 eps & I have no idea what's going on.

Also, I might be moving rooms soon. Apparently I'm gonna be sleeping downstairs (yep... downstairs... ._.") b/c my dad's like "that way we only have to move one bed" LIke wow... sleeping downstairs. DOWNSTAIRS. While everyone else is sleeping upstairs. Okay. You make sure to tell the cops that if you find me dead in my bedroom..
I've also considered moving out of my house altogether & moving into my grandparents' since their entire lower floor is VACANT. Hell yeah. Nobody even goes down there. Own room, own kitchen, own office???? Yes please. I'll probably just stay at home for the first year since I'm transitioning & it's a big step in life & too many changes will probably bring me to the brink of insanity so yeahh... maybe move out next year if I'm ready. All I know is I'll need a spinning cushy chair for my new room & possibly some new Ikea furniture.

I'll post my Vacation log once I finish writing it (I can't be bothered rn so sorry if this confuses y'all) It's taking a while actually.. so many little details I need to add... ughhghgh..
Also this blog's gotten a lot of views lately.. like, who even reads this stuff??? Wow there are people who care enough to read my stupid rambles & boring life events?? It honestly amazes me

49 50 & 51

Yeppp looks like I'm doing it in 3's now. I can't quite recall what happened 2 days ago though, but I'm pretty sure I did nothing important except play TL, tumblr & draw a little.

As for yesterday I actually left the house & even though I only planned to be out for a few hours I ended up staying out for almost half a day..
Went to my friend's barbecue which she hosted at her house & brought soymilk and popcorn lol. We ended up eating all the salad & healthy stuff so by the time we actually barbecued I was 80% full of food already.. She made a really good cheese & crab dip which I'm pretty sure I ate most of & I also drank a whole lot of the strawberry lemonade punch/carbonated thingy.. Afterwards when we finally went out to barbecue some bees kept flying around near us & the food (my other friend was literally smacking them away with paper plates LOL it was so funny) the meat was reeeaallyy good. If I hadn't eaten all that before I probably would have scarfed down half of everything ahaha. Helped my friend skewer some meat, ate more, had a homemade japadog, climbed onto her top bunk in her room (like 4 other ppl joined in too & i was freaking out b/c I thought the bed would break..) Yeah so basically once we stuffed ourselves full of meat we played charades from the app on my friend's phone nonstop for like 2 hours. I didn't really participate much in helping them guess but I rocked the pokemon category tho ;D (thank god they didn't include 5th gen tho I barely know the names of any of those...) Afterwards, 2 of them left to go to work & the rest of us watched the new episode of Tokyo Ghoul that aired the day before (which I already watched obvs) & then another left & we ended up watching The Girl That Leapt Through Time (dubbed) on my friend's 12" laptop. All 5 of us. And also the sound was barely audible. It got really stuffy after a while since we were holed up in my friend's room & she got really emotionally invested in the movie like wow. Even once it ended she was like "NO. I NEED TO KNOW IF THEY FIND EACH OTHER AGAIN WHAT IF THEY DON'T FIND EACH OTHER AGAIN???" & yeah it was pretty funny. It was like 8pm once we finished & me & another friend decided to bus home (whilst eating leftover cold chicken kabobs) & people on the bus were staring at us LOL. Walked the rest of the way home & the streets looked pretty shady. Watched the new ep of Barakamon & that's about it.

Today was as uneventful as 2 days ago, except I played Tamagotchi on the Wii with my younger sibs. (I seriously missed that game & I have a strong urge to play 10 rounds holy shit that game used to be mah lifeeee) Ate bacon lettuce wraps for lunch & went on my laptop some more. Got a new TV & hopefully it won't glitch out anymore. Drew some stuff on my tablet & called it a night. Yup. Tomorrow will probably be the same.

Day 46 47 & 48

Guess I'm doing the journals in 3's now huh.. welp stuff actually happened for the past few days so this might get looonng depending on how much i remember lol.
Soooo 2 days ago i went out with my friends to this dessert/food place downtown where we saw these GIANT shaved ice thingies a while back & couldn't go then b/c the place was closed. Was kinda late yet again b/c the bus drove right past me when I was waiting by the bus stop (really now. really bus) and met up with my friends like 20 min later... sorry guys again....= =" There were dead wasps all over the area where I sat & it was mildly disturbing.. Skytrained and waited for yet another bus before finally getting to the restaurant. There was a lot of korean music playing & kpop mv's playing on a tv. A bunch of korean dudes sat behind us too (so much korean). Ordered a curry pork cutlet meal which i shared with a friend (had rice, pickled radish & salad/potato sides) and a jumbo size green tea shaved ice which we shared b/w 4 people (yes it was that big) The green tea ice cream was really rich & the shaved ice was topped w/ corn flakes & red bean. Got brain freeze multiple times and my mouth was practically frozen.. but it was really good overall. I would go back probably. Stole some strawberry candies from the plate near the cash register hehe. Went to Safeway b/c one of my friends wanted to look at ingredients for her upcoming bbq party & yeah. Explored the place, hit my friends with a sausage, cool stuff. Went to metrotown after that since there was really nothing else to do & shopped at Superstore. Went around sitting near the cold vegetable sections & such (where people do not normally sit) with my other friend b/c we were tired while other customers walked by and gave us weird looks (good times, good times) didn't buy anything & went to T&T to buy food & such for the anime marathon the next day. Walked around trying to get free samples & hoarding bags of chips in my arms.. walked around for a while like that & didn't even bother getting a cart LOL. Friend bought me a crapload of chips to bring home for Wed. and we headed for the bus. Bought a matcha frappuccino from Blenz on the way b/c apparently it's better & cheaper than Starbucks' and it really was actually (a lot smoother & the matcha's a bit stronger, which I like) Well, guess who's not buying their fraps at sudohbucks anymore. Bused home and feet were hurting like hell (remind me never to wear my heels out downtown ever again please)

Next day = Wednesday = Water day = NEW FREE ES EP!! I get way too excited over these swimming homos seriously.. Woke up early to watch (kinda but ended up waking up at 10 30 ish so not really i suppose?) Much SouRin angst. much iwatobi angst. Much Makoharu angst. It was very exciting & for some reason felt longer than the usual episodes (maybe cuz so much stuff happened in one episode?) I completely lost it at the end with the ep 8 pv. KISS ME kiss me KISS ME kiss me, LIKE seriously guys get a room (that kiss me rally also happened right during the Makoharu scene where it shows them staring at each other like wow KyoAni.. queerbaiting much... not that I dislike it though. Friends came over at 2. One of my friends brought milk tea slush which she was supposed to blend at my house with her magic bullet (the lid which she forgot at home lol) and she ended up using my blender. Apparently I've been using it wrong to crush ice all this time... huh... Watched the free ep along with Tokyo Ghoul & GSNK & Barakamon... really wanted to show them Zankyou no Terror but then also didn't really want them to think I'm a psychopath hahah... They ended up staying for dinner & I made pizza & mom ordered sushi (yay no cooking for me) while my friend showed us another summer anime.. Akame ga Kill? that she liked. It turned out pretty twisted w/ decapitation & amputations of limbs but that was pretty cool (kinda brutal though). The main character's very typical though (turns OP after like 1 day, hot headed, boob obsession?) & there was too much boobie & cleavage for my tastes (sorry) the boobs are very big in that anime... many boob..
Friends left at about 9 ish before it got dark & I resumed my usual nightly routine which consists of food & tumblr. Yeah, normal stuff. Also killed a moth on my computer.

Today we went to my grandma's house as usual. Cousins were there again, didn't talk to them much. I think I'm becoming too antisocial now... I literally packed all of my electronic devices with their chargers (even my laptop this time) even though I didn't use most of them. Watched the new eps of Tokyo Ghoul & ZnT, at macaroni for lunch, and resumed tumblring and looking for new songs. Seriously though I'm super fickle when it comes to favourites.. I get bored with my songs really quickly.. same with other things.. but yeah..  basically that was my day. Also ate cakes & chicken buns. Went home & tumblred again. Pretty mundane day. Probably will be mundane tomorrow as well. We'll see.

Day 43, 44 & 45

Yeahhhh for the last 3 days I have done absolutely nothing except draw & play video games and go on tumblr...
Day before yesterday I was playing TL & Gou & Seijuuro FINALLY got together like omgggg finally... I thought they'd be one of the first to start dating actually but nooo. She basically asked him out the way Rin asked out my son (still not over that fact yet btw). Watched my bro play some game on his xbox (Max the something?? idk) & there was this ginger kid with a magic pen that could draw things on the screen and create bridges & stuff it was pretty cool. It got even better when the pen started waterbending like whoa son. Pretty cool for a free game; didn't get to see it start firebending tho.. Had french toast for lunch. Yeah. Drew some makoharu & stuff. That's about it.

Yesterday was pretty mundane as well.  Played more TL & another couple got together (wow). Gou set them up (LOL guess she didn't want her friend missing out on the action) & 2 of my OCs got together (yesss ive been waiting for this day) Now the only ones still single (that need to get together ofc) are Nitori & Momo & 2 of my other OCs (the MakoHaru lovechild & her s/o) yes Makoharu's lovechild is a thing that I created.. her name's Mizu (LOL) for short & I even made up a tragic backstory for her where Mako drowns at sea & she developed a phobia of water and a hatred of fish (sorry Haru I couldn't help myself..) Pretty much did nothing for the rest of the day; drew some more at night but that's about it.

Today I actually went out in the afternoon to help my mom buy groceries. Pushed the cart around as usual & we saw a caterpillar on the yellow zucchini bin!! It looked so helpless & I wanted to take him home but yeah that plan failed... tried to stick him in a grocery bag but then my mom said no so I dumped him back onto the zucchini... Was totally motivated to make jello/cinnamon rolls that we had bought earlier but somehow that motivation disappeared (im not even surprised at myself anymore... I was also supposed to call and schedule my driving lessons for next next week but I guess I'll have to put that off too now)
Apparently the hotel we'll be staying at in Victoria will have a spa/sauna/POOL (ohgod i think I'm turning into Haru now) I really wanna swim for some reason & learn butterfly/breaststroke.

Welp hope tomorrow will be a lil more exciting than the past few days.